This is the fourth time now.  The first time was in 1999 when the numbers after prostate surgery convinced me I had about two years to get my affairs in order.  I’m still here after more than fourteen.

The second time came in 2004 when I almost bled to death on the bathroom floor.  A verisee in my esophageal vein ruptured, the result of autoimmune hepatitis.

The third time came in May, 2012.  I was awaiting a liver transplant when they told me cancerous tumors had formed on my diseased organ.  The transplant arrived at the last possible moment or I would not be writing this now.

At present I wait for a pathology report and a meeting with the surgeon who removed my left adrenal gland on August 27.  A routine follow up scan after the transplant delivered the unexpected and unpleasant news that cancer from my old liver had taken root.  I thought I had escaped that danger. 

Four times looking death in the eye.  You’d think I’d be used to it.   Sort of, practice makes perfect.  But I’ll tell you this: it doesn’t get any easier.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  Somewhere back there I passed the point where I thought it couldn’t happen to me.  Any illusions about immortality, lovingly cherished in my heart, cashed out long ago.  And the figuring and calculating about what one can do with the time remaining is by now somewhat familiar territory.

But you don’t lose the desire to go on living.  The much treasured memories of happy times and the enjoyment of those you love coalesce into, “I want all of that continue.”  And dreams for the future—thinking about the things one still wants to do—they keep on with all the old intensity.  No, you don’t surrender those.

The brick wall you come up against is that you are helpless in this. Oh yes, you seek the medical cures—and there are many of those now that weren’t available fifteen years ago.  But that tired old chestnut, “I’m going to fight this thing!  I’m not going to let the disease win!”—that’s silliness.  For all of one’s raw determination is already midway through strike three.  And you can’t check your swing.

And I, as one who knows a thing or two about prayer, understand that those who love God have access to him.  And he does hear prayer.   And often he answers our prayers.   Sometimes dramatically.  I could tell you stories.  But the word “prayer” means to “ask”, to “plead”.  And that’s all it is.  God says we may pray and we may ask him.  The Bible encourages, even commands us, to lay our requests upon him.

But in the end, God alone decides how he will respond to his loved one’s petition.  I possess no power to pressure God.  I have no strings to pull with him.  It’s a strange thing to realize that in the end you are completely dependent on his mercy. 

I am reminded of the day my dad taught me how to swim.  I must have been about five years old.  He and I were in Lake Michigan.  The water was calm. It was up to his stomach, which meant it was over my head.  And he said, “I want you to lie back flat and rest in my arms which are underneath you.”  And I tried, but then I’d quickly jerk into a sitting position and grab hold of him.  And then we’d try again.  And he’d say, “My arms are underneath you.   I will not let you sink.”  And then after a little practice with that-- “ I am going to lower my arms just a little so that you can see what it feels like to float.”  And we tried again and again until I grew confident enough to lie there, just above his arms.  And I could float.

Prayer is a lot like that.  We are helpless.  We have to learn that he will not let us sink.

God’s arms are the promise of eternal life for all who have trusted Jesus Christ to save them.  I don’t have any doubts about heaven.   I believe Jesus when he promised it.  “Don’t drop me!” I cry out.   And he says, “I won’t.  Not now.  Not ever.  And I’ll help you float until you know what the doctor says.”       

Dr. Rick Perrin is Chairman of the Board of World Reformed Fellowship and senior pastor of Covenant Presbyterian Church in Cherry Hill NJ.  He writes a weekly blog called ReTHINK which may be accessed at www.rethinkingnews.wordpress.com. He may be contacted directly at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..